Tuesday, March 10, 2009



Sorry for the huge delay, but the last few weeks have been anything
but a laughing matter…let me explicate: last you saw, Hammy was
partying it up w/ the lads from Thursday and BMTH, a great time
was had by all, but after the bbq smoke cleared, our Hamsen was
nowhere to be seen.

Many were quick to point fingers: did someone break his ass? Did
we get too drunk and try to make a bong out of him? Was he on
the roof?

Speculation turned to fear, fear turned to hate, and hate turned into
double-hate. Office morale was at its lowest, and bathroom shankings
were at an all time high (sorry Alex).

When all hope was lost, when things were looking their worst
(it’s mustache march), what to my surprise!

He has a few new tats and has brought along a new friend, Beary Reynolds!

Pics below, along w/ a letter of explanation in the most girlish writing
I have ever seen…I can forgive you for running off, but I can’t forgive
those curly letters…and don’t say ‘love’ at me… I’m a dude.

Sara and Lilly ftw!

-john b.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Day 10 AD

Day 10 AD

Oh hai there! Shuttup! Welcome to this special Taste Of Chaos (ur welcome)

edition of Chiablog, as we celebrate day two of the great reseeding.

A little band named Thursday and another little, British-er band, named Bring Me

The Horizon came in today to pay tribute to Dave Hamsen, and to wish him well

on his great 2nd coming…

Not to generate any rumors, but I hear that there’s some guest spots open on “grease

sells…but who’s buying?” still…hint hint nudge nudge DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Due to the lack of responses to my last query regarding Hamsen’s hairstyle (JERK),

I’ve decided to intervene and give him the most bitchin’ hairstyle in the history of

reruns of George Costanza….DEAL.

Get ready for breakdowns so hard that you want to shave it off and comb it over, chickenfucker.

Listen to hatebreed and get mad.

p.s. you didn’t know that chia pets who take pics w/ more than one dude = sluttywhoreghonnorheaface?

Did you miss that day in 5th grade?? Go Read a book (or maybe a blog before you hit “post” :-X ).


-john b.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Day 9 AD

Day 9 AD


The two week long ritual, featuring human sacrifices, virgin offerings
and spirit quests begin today as we kick-start the circle of life. Oh, make
no mistake the glitter tattoo will be there still…he’s not a pussy.

Our homeboy, Seth from The Higher came in to pay his respects and to give
a shot in the arm of our fledgling baby label “Glittertaph”. Not to name
names or to point fingers at fingers, but I do hear there is quite the blistering
single already up on that purevolume site

….I DARE you to have the GUTS to check it out…IT'S ONLY NATURAL to be
be jittery, but TRY AGAIN and you'll surely be satisfied...it's not like you have
OTHER OPTIONS in terms of song selection on there...

Anyway, I need some input on how to style Hamsen's bad boy hair….please post
your opinion in the comments, below are a few of my ideas, but feel free to
make up your own… first response from someone I don’t know wins:

A.) One sided comb-over
B.) Regular Mohawk
C.) Horizontal Mohawk
D.) Just chest & ass hair
E.) Soul patches (that just means patchy as chickenfuck)

-john b.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Day Four AD

Day Four A.D.

Well, I feel the worst is over for Hammy, he’s completely detoxed and

dried…the tattoo has been on for over 48 hours, thus providing it IS

possible to temporary tattoo ANYTHING (prove me wrong, clown!)

However, it is also a solemn day as one of our trusty Chia-terns, Bret, is

heading back to Michigan to become a AAA amateur speed chess player / so

you think you can dancer.

We wish him the best of luck and hope that one day we will be able crash his

auditions with glitter paint posters in hand and iron-on face t-shirts on body.

If you think you have what it takes to join the ranks of Chia-terndom, send a

FBS, a photocopy of your soul and a 500 word essay on what the word “chickenfucker”

means to you to the SN: EpitaphYoda

-john b.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Day Two A.D.

Day Two A.D.

Dave Hamsen’s recovery process begins today, he’s been cleaned, dried,
and now “drilled” (as Sara calls it :-/ ) He’s got a bitchin’ tat of a purple
sparkly butterfly that will burn upsidedown crosses in your retinas if you stare
too long.

Also! We got our first fan letter today (pics below)! It’s from Brett B. (soon
to be) from Modesto. And in response to your queries:

-Hamsen’s favorite color is blue (obviously not green)

-His first name is Dave

-He tries to say the word “chickenfucker” as much as possible because it's awesome, chickenfucker.

Thanks for the episode guide too! We’ll make sure to tune in to primetime on
NBC in 8-10 years.

-john b.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Day One A.D.

Day One A.D.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I understand that the Chiablog’s absence

during the current economic struggle has been a trying test, but let me

assure you that such a lapse in shall never happen again and you will

come out a stronger blah blah whateverthefuckyouare.

That being said, it’s been a rough couple of weeks to want to blog about

good ole’ Dave Hamsen, let’s look back, shall we…

About a week and a half ago Hamsen was riding high w/ his new single

“Pig Destroyer Destroyer”, a grueling promotional tour of Lowe’s home

gardens was underway, and the skies looked a lush shade of green. Saturday

(or Friday, I was kinda drunk to be honest) the single apexed at a staggering

#4 on the Death Metal charts!!! SUCK IT, IMPENDING DOOM!!!

But the lifestyle began to take its toll on my boy and while some blogs

may glorify the growth of penicillium (and sucking it, which is actually

kind of impressive), we here at Chiawatch know the true effects of

microscopic fungi abuse.

We didn’t know he was snorting “polar bear gooch fur”, as the kids call it,

and before we could act the disease spread. What was left of his coat was

sampled and analyzed next to an Evil Dead Zombie mug…

Turns out he has a disease called Chianeglectitis…He went into surgery

for a full body transplant around 9:15am Pacific Standard Time and fortunately

came out a success! But, just to be extra cautious about his recovery we are

sticking him in a cave (Old Hollywood trick I learned from Jesus).

Tune in tomorrow for the detox back to retox back to detox back to

retox back to detox back to chickenfucktox.

-john b.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Day Eighteen

Day Eighteen: The road to recovery is taking all my (pig) pens

Today is bittersweet, Hamsen made it to # 41 on the death metal
Purevolume charts today, beating out such notables as Cattle Decapitation,
Cannibal Corpse, and Pig Grinder (grind on this!)

Normally we would be partying it up doubly hard on this momentous
‘even more casual Friday”….but instead, the entire Epitaph office waits
with baited breath as Hamsen struggles to recover.

His patches have been repaired and the bandages remain, but I assure you,
his hopes have never been higher.

There will be a candlelight vigil tonight held at Emil Villa’s at 8pm.
Stay tuned for updates over the weekend…

Oh! Big ups to AP.net for launching Dave Hamsen's music career! JT Ftw!

p.s. in case you missed, Hamsen's coat is patchy and it looks like he has Chiaids.


-john b.