CHIA WATCH 09

HE'S BACK!

2009-03-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

THE PRODIGAL SPAM RETURNS

Sorry for the huge delay, but the last few weeks have been anything
but a laughing matter…let me explicate: last you saw, Hammy was
partying it up w/ the lads from Thursday and BMTH, a great time
was had by all, but after the bbq smoke cleared, our Hamsen was
nowhere to be seen.

Many were quick to point fingers: did someone break his ass? Did
we get too drunk and try to make a bong out of him? Was he on
the roof?

Speculation turned to fear, fear turned to hate, and hate turned into
double-hate. Office morale was at its lowest, and bathroom shankings
were at an all time high (sorry Alex).

When all hope was lost, when things were looking their worst
(it’s mustache march), what to my surprise!
DAVE HAMSEN HAS RETURNED!!!!

He has a few new tats and has brought along a new friend, Beary Reynolds!

Pics below, along w/ a letter of explanation in the most girlish writing
I have ever seen…I can forgive you for running off, but I can’t forgive
those curly letters…and don’t say ‘love’ at me… I’m a dude.

Sara and Lilly ftw!

-john b.

Day 10 AD

2009-02-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

Day 10 AD

Oh hai there! Shuttup! Welcome to this special Taste Of Chaos (ur welcome)

edition of Chiablog, as we celebrate day two of the great reseeding.

A little band named Thursday and another little, British-er band, named Bring Me

The Horizon came in today to pay tribute to Dave Hamsen, and to wish him well

on his great 2^nd coming…

Not to generate any rumors, but I hear that there’s some guest spots open on “grease

sells…but who’s buying?” still…hint hint nudge nudge DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Due to the lack of responses to my last query regarding Hamsen’s hairstyle (JERK),

I’ve decided to intervene and give him the most bitchin’ hairstyle in the history of

reruns of George Costanza….DEAL.

Get ready for breakdowns so hard that you want to shave it off and comb it over, chickenfucker.

Listen to hatebreed and get mad.

p.s. you didn’t know that chia pets who take pics w/ more than one dude = sluttywhoreghonnorheaface?

Did you miss that day in 5^th grade?? Go Read a book (or maybe a blog before you hit “post” :-X ).

143

-john b.

Day 9 AD

2009-02-11T16:00:00.001-08:00

Day 9 AD

THE GREAT RESEEDING CEREMONY HAS BEGUN!

The two week long ritual, featuring human sacrifices, virgin offerings
and spirit quests begin today as we kick-start the circle of life. Oh, make
no mistake the glitter tattoo will be there still…he’s not a pussy.

Our homeboy, Seth from The Higher came in to pay his respects and to give
a shot in the arm of our fledgling baby label “Glittertaph”. Not to name
names or to point fingers at fingers, but I do hear there is quite the blistering
single already up on that purevolume site

….I DARE you to have the GUTS to check it out…IT'S ONLY NATURAL to be
be jittery, but TRY AGAIN and you'll surely be satisfied...it's not like you have
OTHER OPTIONS in terms of song selection on there...

Anyway, I need some input on how to style Hamsen's bad boy hair….please post
your opinion in the comments, below are a few of my ideas, but feel free to
make up your own… first response from someone I don’t know wins:

A.) One sided comb-over
B.) Regular Mohawk
C.) Horizontal Mohawk
D.) Just chest & ass hair
E.) Soul patches (that just means patchy as chickenfuck)

-john b.

Day Four AD

2009-02-06T16:47:00.000-08:00

Day Four A.D.

Well, I feel the worst is over for Hammy, he’s completely detoxed and

dried…the tattoo has been on for over 48 hours, thus providing it IS

possible to temporary tattoo ANYTHING (prove me wrong, clown!)

However, it is also a solemn day as one of our trusty Chia-terns, Bret, is

heading back to Michigan to become a AAA amateur speed chess player / so

you think you can dancer.

We wish him the best of luck and hope that one day we will be able crash his

auditions with glitter paint posters in hand and iron-on face t-shirts on body.

If you think you have what it takes to join the ranks of Chia-terndom, send a

FBS, a photocopy of your soul and a 500 word essay on what the word “chickenfucker”

means to you to the SN: EpitaphYoda

-john b.

Day Two A.D.

2009-02-04T16:28:00.001-08:00

Day Two A.D.

Dave Hamsen’s recovery process begins today, he’s been cleaned, dried,
and now “drilled” (as Sara calls it :-/ ) He’s got a bitchin’ tat of a purple
sparkly butterfly that will burn upsidedown crosses in your retinas if you stare
too long.

Also! We got our first fan letter today (pics below)! It’s from Brett B. (soon
to be) from Modesto. And in response to your queries:

-Hamsen’s favorite color is blue (obviously not green)

-His first name is Dave

-He tries to say the word “chickenfucker” as much as possible because it's awesome, chickenfucker.

Thanks for the episode guide too! We’ll make sure to tune in to primetime on
NBC in 8-10 years.

-john b.

Day One A.D.

2009-02-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

Day One A.D.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I understand that the Chiablog’s absence

during the current economic struggle has been a trying test, but let me

assure you that such a lapse in shall never happen again and you will

come out a stronger blah blah whateverthefuckyouare.

That being said, it’s been a rough couple of weeks to want to blog about

good ole’ Dave Hamsen, let’s look back, shall we…

About a week and a half ago Hamsen was riding high w/ his new single

“Pig Destroyer Destroyer”, a grueling promotional tour of Lowe’s home

gardens was underway, and the skies looked a lush shade of green. Saturday

(or Friday, I was kinda drunk to be honest) the single apexed at a staggering

#4 on the Death Metal charts!!! SUCK IT, IMPENDING DOOM!!!

But the lifestyle began to take its toll on my boy and while some blogs

may glorify the growth of penicillium (and sucking it, which is actually

kind of impressive), we here at Chiawatch know the true effects of

microscopic fungi abuse.

We didn’t know he was snorting “polar bear gooch fur”, as the kids call it,

and before we could act the disease spread. What was left of his coat was

sampled and analyzed next to an Evil Dead Zombie mug…

Turns out he has a disease called Chianeglectitis…He went into surgery

for a full body transplant around 9:15am Pacific Standard Time and fortunately

came out a success! But, just to be extra cautious about his recovery we are

sticking him in a cave (Old Hollywood trick I learned from Jesus).

Tune in tomorrow for the detox back to retox back to detox back to

retox back to detox back to chickenfucktox.

-john b.

Day Eighteen

2009-01-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

Day Eighteen: The road to recovery is taking all my (pig) pens

Today is bittersweet, Hamsen made it to # 41 on the death metal
Purevolume charts today, beating out such notables as Cattle Decapitation,
Cannibal Corpse, and Pig Grinder (grind on this!)

Normally we would be partying it up doubly hard on this momentous
‘even more casual Friday”….but instead, the entire Epitaph office waits
with baited breath as Hamsen struggles to recover.

His patches have been repaired and the bandages remain, but I assure you,
his hopes have never been higher.

There will be a candlelight vigil tonight held at Emil Villa’s at 8pm.
Stay tuned for updates over the weekend…

Oh! Big ups to AP.net for launching Dave Hamsen's music career! JT Ftw!

p.s. in case you missed, Hamsen's coat is patchy and it looks like he has Chiaids.

Fuck.

-john b.

Day Seventeen

2009-01-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

Day Seventeen: From Ham To Infirmary

Sad news today kids…it seems that the Rock N’ Roll lifestyle has been

taking its toll on Dave Hamsen. Fame, fortune, the girls, the cars, the drugs,

the men, etc. have caused my boy to start prematurely shedding his seed

(not even in the sexy way!!).

We wrapped him up with gauze and bandages and have kept a close eye

on his water intake; w/ a little help from Miracle Grow and any luck at all

he should be back to normal sometime next week.

In lieu of these tragic events, Pat from Sing It Loud rushed over today to wish

Hamsen his best, and to offer some tips on how to grow full, luscious, shiny locks

with more bounce and twice the hold!

One final note, the response to his single “Pig Destroyer Destroyer” has been

nothing short of ASTRONOMICAL! It has to be at least within the top

500 of purevolume’s Swedish death metal category…

-john b.

Day Sixteen

2009-01-21T14:58:00.000-08:00

Day Sixteen: 00dlez of br00talz

Last week I promised a very special surprise that would make up for

missed posts, and after being FLOODED with inquiries, marriage proposals

and death threats, I decided to break street date on this one…

Here it is…a rare B-side from Dave Hamsen’s debut record, “Grease Sells…

But Who’s Frying?” … Look for the full length coming out on BladeRunnerMedia

Records on Dec. 21, 2012.

"PIG DESTROYER DESTROYER"

-john b.

Day Fifteen

2009-01-20T14:41:00.001-08:00

Day Fifteen: let's not lie, he looks fugly as shit.

Wow! Whatta weekend! HUGE Thanks to the good folks at Absolutepunk
for posting that hot tip on Hammy!!! The response was overwhelming
and we raised our subscriptions 150%!!!...to 5 ppl.

Anyway...Punk Rock Bowling this weekend was AMAZING, huge shout out to
our new friends and that drunk guy in a Christina Aguilera shirt at the bar.
(p.s. did you know that he is afraid of horror movies?)

My conscious got the better of me and decided to listen to my friends...Hammy
stayed home w/ my gf's sister so he wouldn't be corrupted by the electric sex
that is Vegas...

However, I did make an artist's rendering of how things would have went
if he came along. Picture below, expect a sweet ass goodie sometime this week.

Hint Hint: who wants a hot rub?!?!

-john b.

Day Eleven

2009-01-16T11:58:00.001-08:00

Day Eleven: Chia Pets Are Hardcore!

Let’s not lie, as a young adult, Hammy is a little nervous about going to

Vegas for Punk Rock Bowling this weekend. The idea of your Papa running

off to the craps table to blow your college fund while you are left with $20 to fend

for 3 days of arcade games kinda frightened him.

So, Chad from NFG / ISHC was gracious enough to come in and give him a

pep-talk about the finer points about life, becoming a (chia) man/pig and the

new Notorious B.I.G movie.

In a once in a lifetime photo opportunity, we managed to catch Chad, Brett,

Barack AND the Fonz all in one shot! Not to get any hopes up, but I hear there’s

still an opening in the Obama’s Agricultural dept….just saying …who’d be better

than someone who A.) Is and actual plant and B.) isn’t afraid to call you a

chickenfucker through terra cotta eyes?

If nothing else he’ll get to at least level 20 on Elvis pinball…

-john b.

Day Ten

2009-01-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

Day Ten: The Hour (weekend) Of PRB Is Upon Us!!!!!!

In preparation for The Accountant’s Corner debut on the Punk Rock Bowling

Scene, Hammy decided to lend a loin towards the creation of our garbs.

Make no mistake...

The strikes will be devastating! The spares will be life-saving!

The amount of beer will be liver pickling! Let’s all give thanks for this excuse

to kill the brain cells we accumulated in Jr. College!

Speaking of giving thanks, guess who decided to drop on by to give his blessing???

THE J MAN, SON OF G, DIED ON THE C…he looks like Ted Nuggent…

Good ole’ Gee-whiz!!!

Hammy found him! He was actually hiding behind Sue’s desk next to Tim Gunn…

Who woulda thunk it???

Pics of Hamsen, Sara and Lilly’s back below..MAKE IT WORK!

-john b.

Day Nine

2009-01-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

Day Nine: Super Secret Hammy project

Sorry for the missing update yesterday…let’s just say that hambone has a very special surprise for you guys sometime next week that will make it all worthwhile….;)

Day Eight

2009-01-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

Day 8: his butt sprouts are growing faster than his back ones?

Today I gave Dave Hamsen a break from staring at the omnipotent HOPE

card that he has been forced to focus on for the past week errr so to hang

out with some of our office regulars!

Like Hans Bananahammock, the only rubber Sasquatch who can rock a

tucan thong AND enlighten you on the German beer purity rule! When

he’s not busy partying it up in Vegas, nailing Estonian supermodels, he

likes to keep a low profile on the shelf behind Sue’s desk, proudly displaying

his dentist’s handy-work…

Or Lilly, who handles our accounts payable!

Or Terry “Don’t Touch Me There” T-Rex…it’s best to not make any sudden

movements around him…I blame Jurassic Park…and his Mom’s boyfriend,

Ezekiel Chickenfucker

Or the infamous ‘That’s Easy’ button, making all your hardest tasks a snap!!!

Just press the button and follow rule 3 from yesterday’s post.

-john b.

Day 7

2009-01-12T14:46:00.001-08:00

Day Seven: Hamboned intro to accounting

Well we’re back at work today! Playing hard is important
but you have to make sure you work just as hard to bring
home the hamsen. Therefore, to instill this life lesson
into my boy I shared with him some of finer points of Epitaph’s
accounting systems:

1.) Make sure you have a ten key handy. Light-weight & solar
powered, as you never know when you’ll have to make a few quick
calculations on the go... I think I speak for everyone when I
say that there is nothing more embarrassing than having performance

problems in the heat of a blistering coding session :-/

2.) Don’t be afraid of a hot Carl every now and again. Who else can put 3 holes in 150 strangers’ sheets at once?

3.) If you don’t understand it/it makes you look dumb, shred it! If there’s one thing Enron taught us it is to shred early and shred often. Illegal you say? Or are you just not BRAVE enough to excel the standards of your corporation, chickenfucker?

-john b.

Day Six

2009-01-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

Day Six (66): Rock and/or Roll

Serious green today kids, serious green; and to celebrate, we hit the studio

to complete Hammy’s debut album: Grease Sells…But Who’s Frying?

Tracklist:

1.) 23 second intro of scary noises

2.) DUN DUN DUN TWEET TWEET TWEET

3.) Attempt at KROQ single

4.) DUN DA DUN DA DUN SQUEEEEEEEK

5.) Br00tal s0ng part I. (the quiet song, depressing)

6.) Interlude

7.) Br00tal s0ng part II. (fast & angry!)

8.) Song with obscure guest vocalist who sounds the same as Hammy

9.) DUN DUN DUN SQUEEK SQUEEK SQUEEK

10.) Song that starts and ends with a breakdown

SOOOooo look out for that to drop Dec. 21^st, 2012 on Metal Blade Records…

and until then, Hammy’s guest appearance on the new Waking the Cadaver record

will have to hold you over. Word.

-john b.

Day Five

2009-01-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

Day Five: Hamsen Comes Home, Son

After a trying work week filled with killer bee attacks, identity crisis(es?)

and basketball bonding, Hamsen has finally come home to relax in south-central

LA. The sound of helicopters & bullets whizzing by lulls him to sleep in the most

adorable way (you just have to see it…just don’t wear red or stand near any windows.)

Anyway, it also marked my roommate’s birthday and you know how that can

be when you are in college…here’s my hazy recollection of what Hammy did

that fateful night:

9pm – Dude like7 Jager bombs, and totally pound a 12 pack of natty ice pregame-ing

10pm – Arrive at Short Stop Bar in Echo Park, grind on hipsters with asymmetric

haircuts, call mgmt overrated, get into sissy fight

11pm – 1:30 am – rage!

2am – back at home.

3am – professes dude-bro love to me

3:05am – tries to fight me

3:07am – passes out on the bathroom floor

3pm – wakes up naked in bed with other dudechiabro, bummer like woah

Party. I’m totally rushing in the fall.

Oh ya! If you slum it up in LA on the weekends, keep your eyes peeled for

some chia-watch stickers on bathroom stall doors & drunk girls’ bums.

Family portrait / fri&sat. recap in photos below…

-john b.

2009-01-09T15:41:00.001-08:00

Day Four: GREENERY FOR THE SCENERY!!!

Dave Hamsen ftw! Finally some green! Finally B-ball instead of ballet!

The real test will be this weekend when I pump him full of a combo of miraclegrow,
HGH, and Bud Light I like to call “south central surprise”.

If Tim Tebow is indeed as awesome as they say, he’ll send his magic and on Monday
Hamsen will be THE MOST INCREDIBLE CHIA PET TO HAVE EVER LIVED!!!

...but still not good enough to play in the NFL. (jump-pass??!?!! Srsly?!?!?!!)

USA! USA! USA!

-john b.

CHIA WATCH 1/08/09

2009-01-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

Pennystyes - Straight A-ham

2009-01-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

Day Three: No Sighting, but there’s a lot more white shit coming out!

No Q1 emergencies today, just introspective drama…let me give you

a metaphor to illuminate the situation with Hamsen:

Over the past three days, I’ve felt like the dad grooming his son to be

QB for the Dallas Cowboys, making him practice 11 hours a day instead

of “making friends” (chickenfuckers) or going to a “school” (loser-factory).

And after working a double at the old rock quarry just to make ends meet,

what does he do when I get home?!?!?! Tells me he wants to be a ballerina!!!!!

I HAVE NO SON!!!!

That was at least my initial reaction, but after a quart of Tylenol Cough, a

green chili burrito and a hearty talk with my roommate, I’ve gained some

much needed perspective.

I can either approve and support his lifestyle of not sprouting a god damn thing

or continue being an angry bastard who inevitably drives his Chia to (metaphorical)

gay porn, giving Chia-jobs in a men’s room for smack.

I chose the former option, and now I am prepping Hammy to try out for lead in

Jesus Christ Superstar!

Now that I’ve stopped pressuring him to be something he’s not we’ve enjoyed

a richer, closer relationship…I mean…everyone else’s Chia Pet sprouts and grows,

but what’s so special about that???

What we’ve got is much better, and somehow I’ve learned a bit about myself

(mainly that I’m less nurturing than the 3^rd graders in those tv commercials)…meow.

-john b.

CHIA WATCH 1/07/09 (15:01) SPROUTING HAS BEGUN!

2009-01-07T15:01:00.000-08:00

[accountants are easily amused]

[the white scary looking things are sprouts]

While diligently working on my Canadian Marketing Report, I overheard John B shit talking about how his good for nothing Chia wouldn't sprout. So I decided to take a closer look, and low and behold...sprouting had commenced! We're pretty sure it has to do with the tender loving care the interns gave ole Hamsen while Chia-sitting this morning...and have no other choice but to asign an intern to sing "I will always love you" to him daily to ensure maxium foliage growth.

-Lilly

CHIA WATCH 1/07/09: KILLER BEES ATTACK!

2009-01-07T09:16:00.000-08:00

Day two: no sighting, but the seeds are cracking?

Being a parent is hard. Having spent approximately .0001786%

of my life tending to our newest edition, Dave Hamsen, I’ve come

to realize that sometimes you need to step outside of yourself

to rise to the occasion.

Like today when I saw an African Killer Bee on my boy. Not the

nice bumble bee kind, whose extinction will kill us all in 2012, but

a goddamn WARRIOR bee… make no mistake this was the asshole

we were warned about circa 2002.

Sidenote: who knew that Fox would make the “shape of punk to come”

of news predictions???

Anyway, so when I hazily walked into the office this morning to

see nature’s douchebag in full display on top of Dave’s head, I

went into survival mode; like a planet earth papa penguin desperately

trying to save his egg from rolling out from under his belly fat into the arctic cold.

Swiftly, I grabbed the nearest book, the mormon bible (WTF!?!?!),

and proceeded to smash his Apocrita-ass into a million pieces.

Unnecessary? Cruel? Consider this, chickenfucker:

A.) I don’t know what this bee’s intentions were…for all I know he could’ve been lacing his seeds with superaids gas!

B.) Killing the bee allowed us access to give Hamsen proper medical care, I.E. food,water, steroids, meth, etc.

C.) I got attacked by a hive of wasps once, it sucked and I hold grudges well.

One more day and Hamsen is supposed to sprout (Chia pet owner’s manual, article 5)…don’t let me down, tiger!!!

-john b.

CHIA WATCH 1/06/09

2009-01-06T12:11:00.000-08:00