Day Nine

Day Nine: Super Secret Hammy project

Sorry for the missing update yesterday…let’s just say that hambone has a very special surprise for you guys sometime next week that will make it all worthwhile….;)

Day Eight

Day 8: his butt sprouts are growing faster than his back ones?

Today I gave Dave Hamsen a break from staring at the omnipotent HOPE

card that he has been forced to focus on for the past week errr so to hang

out with some of our office regulars!

Like Hans Bananahammock, the only rubber Sasquatch who can rock a

tucan thong AND enlighten you on the German beer purity rule! When

he’s not busy partying it up in Vegas, nailing Estonian supermodels, he

likes to keep a low profile on the shelf behind Sue’s desk, proudly displaying

his dentist’s handy-work…

Or Lilly, who handles our accounts payable!

Or Terry “Don’t Touch Me There” T-Rex…it’s best to not make any sudden

movements around him…I blame Jurassic Park…and his Mom’s boyfriend,

Ezekiel Chickenfucker

Or the infamous ‘That’s Easy’ button, making all your hardest tasks a snap!!!

Just press the button and follow rule 3 from yesterday’s post.

-john b.

Day 7

Day Seven: Hamboned intro to accounting

Well we’re back at work today! Playing hard is important
but you have to make sure you work just as hard to bring
home the hamsen. Therefore, to instill this life lesson
into my boy I shared with him some of finer points of Epitaph’s
accounting systems:

1.) Make sure you have a ten key handy. Light-weight & solar
powered, as you never know when you’ll have to make a few quick
calculations on the go... I think I speak for everyone when I
say that there is nothing more embarrassing than having performance

problems in the heat of a blistering coding session :-/

2.) Don’t be afraid of a hot Carl every now and again. Who else can put 3 holes in 150 strangers’ sheets at once?

3.) If you don’t understand it/it makes you look dumb, shred it! If there’s one thing Enron taught us it is to shred early and shred often. Illegal you say? Or are you just not BRAVE enough to excel the standards of your corporation, chickenfucker?

-john b.

Day Six

Day Six (66): Rock and/or Roll

Serious green today kids, serious green; and to celebrate, we hit the studio

to complete Hammy’s debut album: Grease Sells…But Who’s Frying?

Tracklist:

1.) 23 second intro of scary noises

2.) DUN DUN DUN TWEET TWEET TWEET

3.) Attempt at KROQ single

4.) DUN DA DUN DA DUN SQUEEEEEEEK

5.) Br00tal s0ng part I. (the quiet song, depressing)

6.) Interlude

7.) Br00tal s0ng part II. (fast & angry!)

8.) Song with obscure guest vocalist who sounds the same as Hammy

9.) DUN DUN DUN SQUEEK SQUEEK SQUEEK

10.) Song that starts and ends with a breakdown

SOOOooo look out for that to drop Dec. 21^st, 2012 on Metal Blade Records…

and until then, Hammy’s guest appearance on the new Waking the Cadaver record

will have to hold you over. Word.

-john b.