Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Day One A.D.

Day One A.D.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I understand that the Chiablog’s absence

during the current economic struggle has been a trying test, but let me

assure you that such a lapse in shall never happen again and you will

come out a stronger blah blah whateverthefuckyouare.

That being said, it’s been a rough couple of weeks to want to blog about

good ole’ Dave Hamsen, let’s look back, shall we…

About a week and a half ago Hamsen was riding high w/ his new single

“Pig Destroyer Destroyer”, a grueling promotional tour of Lowe’s home

gardens was underway, and the skies looked a lush shade of green. Saturday

(or Friday, I was kinda drunk to be honest) the single apexed at a staggering

#4 on the Death Metal charts!!! SUCK IT, IMPENDING DOOM!!!

But the lifestyle began to take its toll on my boy and while some blogs

may glorify the growth of penicillium (and sucking it, which is actually

kind of impressive), we here at Chiawatch know the true effects of

microscopic fungi abuse.

We didn’t know he was snorting “polar bear gooch fur”, as the kids call it,

and before we could act the disease spread. What was left of his coat was

sampled and analyzed next to an Evil Dead Zombie mug…

Turns out he has a disease called Chianeglectitis…He went into surgery

for a full body transplant around 9:15am Pacific Standard Time and fortunately

came out a success! But, just to be extra cautious about his recovery we are

sticking him in a cave (Old Hollywood trick I learned from Jesus).

Tune in tomorrow for the detox back to retox back to detox back to

retox back to detox back to chickenfucktox.

-john b.

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